"Isn't this exactly what the folks who are annoying you are saying about themselves?"
Touche! That is a good point.
If I attempt to analyze my feelings I guess my feeling upset comes down to two things- 1. It's not fair 2. It's not accurate
It's hard to explain, because I can't really think of an analogous situation where this happens.
Think of something you are really proud of- something you worked really hard for, that defines you as a person. Then someone who hasn't achieved that, says that because they know all about it, they are just like people with that achievement. Would it bother you? Also, should you feel ashamed that it bothers you?
You went to one college and did your undergrad. You attended a different university and earned your PHD. Anne and Laura are friends of yours. In conversation and on facebook, they call themselves "Dr. Anne BS" and "Dr. Laura BA". They say they are just like you- they went to the same university where you did your PHD for 4 years, they are hard workers, they are smart, they are very interested in the subject they studied, etc. Would it bother you?
You and John both work at a company. You have been working there for 10 years, working really hard on many projects. John is a recent high school graduate. He is smart and has a great personality. He works really hard on a project for a year. You both get promoted- same salary, same title. Your boss says you are equals. Do you feel like this is unfair?
Joan says she is an Olympic hopeful runner. She runs 5 times a week, she has run a mile 2 or 3 times in her life. She was middle of the pack when doing the 200m in high school. She never races and will never sign up for a race. Do you think someone who has actually trained for the Olympics and gone to the Olympics might be annoyed by Joan when Joan says "I am just like you. I run, I get up early in the mornings to run, I have running shoes. This one time I totally sprained my ankle."
I think it's natural to feel insulted if someone tells you that they have rejected what you chose, or what you have deeply committed yourself to, but that they are still the same as the thing you chose, and therefore are entitled to call themselves the thing they rejected when it suits them. "I like dogs better than children, and so I reject being a mother of children to be a dog mom, and it's OK, because if you protest this it will hurt MY feelings."
WTF? Why is it I have to justify my feelings, which are, by the way, harmful, according to you, but your feelings are OK because- you're a good person? Is it wrong for me to infer from that that I am a bad person? After all, I'm overpopulating the world with an inferior species, and I'm lazy because I have nothing better to do than disagree with you. I not only need to respect your choice, I also have to agree with you to avoid upsetting you, or I'm a bitch. You can say your opinion all you want, (dogmom furkid all over the interwebz and casual conversation) but I can't say mine.
Anne and Laura chose not to earn their PHD, because they say they didn't have the time or the money, are they being punished for that if you don't want to call them Dr. Anne or Dr. Laura, or if you don't acknowledge them as being the same as someone who has a PhD? Does someone who doesn't make the sacrifice, and doesn't go through the process, still deserve the title, as long as they do make other sacrifices, and go through some other process, and they have the potential and personality traits?
In the end, it probably boils down to the fact that people can say whatever they want, and that doesn't make it true- I might try to change minds, but I probably can't. Being an adult means life isn't fair, people lie, put on airs, pretend to be something they are not, etc. And a lot of things are a judgement call and subject to POV. There may be some issues with self that some of these folks are grappling with, or they may just have a different point of view and be trying to relate in order to connect and support others. I don't need to assume they are trying to minimize my accomplishment, I can try to assume that they want to connect with and relate to me, and that would probably be the best way to try to curb my annoyance.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2015-06-19 03:19 pm (UTC)Touche! That is a good point.
If I attempt to analyze my feelings I guess my feeling upset comes down to two things-
1. It's not fair
2. It's not accurate
It's hard to explain, because I can't really think of an analogous situation where this happens.
Think of something you are really proud of- something you worked really hard for, that defines you as a person. Then someone who hasn't achieved that, says that because they know all about it, they are just like people with that achievement. Would it bother you? Also, should you feel ashamed that it bothers you?
You went to one college and did your undergrad. You attended a different university and earned your PHD. Anne and Laura are friends of yours. In conversation and on facebook, they call themselves "Dr. Anne BS" and "Dr. Laura BA". They say they are just like you- they went to the same university where you did your PHD for 4 years, they are hard workers, they are smart, they are very interested in the subject they studied, etc. Would it bother you?
You and John both work at a company. You have been working there for 10 years, working really hard on many projects. John is a recent high school graduate. He is smart and has a great personality. He works really hard on a project for a year. You both get promoted- same salary, same title. Your boss says you are equals. Do you feel like this is unfair?
Joan says she is an Olympic hopeful runner. She runs 5 times a week, she has run a mile 2 or 3 times in her life. She was middle of the pack when doing the 200m in high school. She never races and will never sign up for a race. Do you think someone who has actually trained for the Olympics and gone to the Olympics might be annoyed by Joan when Joan says "I am just like you. I run, I get up early in the mornings to run, I have running shoes. This one time I totally sprained my ankle."
I think it's natural to feel insulted if someone tells you that they have rejected what you chose, or what you have deeply committed yourself to, but that they are still the same as the thing you chose, and therefore are entitled to call themselves the thing they rejected when it suits them. "I like dogs better than children, and so I reject being a mother of children to be a dog mom, and it's OK, because if you protest this it will hurt MY feelings."
WTF? Why is it I have to justify my feelings, which are, by the way, harmful, according to you, but your feelings are OK because- you're a good person? Is it wrong for me to infer from that that I am a bad person? After all, I'm overpopulating the world with an inferior species, and I'm lazy because I have nothing better to do than disagree with you. I not only need to respect your choice, I also have to agree with you to avoid upsetting you, or I'm a bitch. You can say your opinion all you want, (dogmom furkid all over the interwebz and casual conversation) but I can't say mine.
Anne and Laura chose not to earn their PHD, because they say they didn't have the time or the money, are they being punished for that if you don't want to call them Dr. Anne or Dr. Laura, or if you don't acknowledge them as being the same as someone who has a PhD?
Does someone who doesn't make the sacrifice, and doesn't go through the process, still deserve the title, as long as they do make other sacrifices, and go through some other process, and they have the potential and personality traits?
In the end, it probably boils down to the fact that people can say whatever they want, and that doesn't make it true- I might try to change minds, but I probably can't. Being an adult means life isn't fair, people lie, put on airs, pretend to be something they are not, etc. And a lot of things are a judgement call and subject to POV. There may be some issues with self that some of these folks are grappling with, or they may just have a different point of view and be trying to relate in order to connect and support others. I don't need to assume they are trying to minimize my accomplishment, I can try to assume that they want to connect with and relate to me, and that would probably be the best way to try to curb my annoyance.
/end rant